I’m not a doctor – but I play one in my fantasies.

Relationships

I know this tends to be a common topic for me, which is so girly of me I almost can’t stand it.  But I’ve always wanted to be a “Doctor Ruth” type person, or better yet a “Doctor Ruth/Sue Johansson.”  That would be awesome!

I’m not a doctor – but I play one in my fantasies.

 

Topic numero one:

Why do people feel the need to stay with a partner that they know is not “the one?”

“It works for now.  I’ll just stay with them till I find ‘the one’ comes along!”  To me, this is totally impractical & unrealistic, on top of the fact of it being dishonest and hurtful to their partner.

 Possibly they’re reasoning with themselves so that they don’t hate their lives and maybe make do with what they have?  “Eh, he/she’s not perfect, but they’ll do for now.”  Meaning- “I can’t stand being alone.”  Or, “I can’t do/find anyone better.”

 In today’s society, where half-assing is the norm- I believe this train of thought/way of living takes the cake!  They’re not even settling all the way!  “Oh, I’ll settle down with him/her- for right now.” Huh?  If this person doesn’t do “it” for you- then just leave.  It’s better for both of you in the long run.

 What I’d really like to ask this person is, “How are you going to know when “the one” comes along if you’re still attached to someone else?”  The last time I checked, that was one of the many reasons we date aside from getting laid, having fun with someone new, weeding out the losers, a reason to get out of the house, and many others.  Dating around is how we generally find that one person we don’t want to picture our lives without.  So unless you plan on cheating, I really don’t see how this is by any means a good plan. 

 Can someone/anyone explain this to me?

Alive and Kickin’

I’m still alive.  That’s about all I have to say.  Work and other “stuff” has taken up most of my creative energy everyday.  Been reading a ton of books lately.  Currently reading the Dresden Files series, I want to read Angels & Demons before I see the movie but I don’t think I’ll make it.

Work is boring, not to me-but honestly when people hear about Home Depot, all the want to do is complain to me about things of which I have NO controll over.  Or if they work there, the last thing they want to do is talk about work.  Which, if I don’t get a few days off soon, I’ll feel the same way.

Went paint ballin for the first time yesturday.  Lots o’ fun, but I got sick not even two games in-boo-and the playing time that I did get was short lived due to a part on my gun breaking. But I definitly want to go again. 

Going to reorganize/redocorate my room, just in the planning stages.  Its comming along but the space limitations are making it tough.

Haven’t written anything in months, and the stuff that I have done-I hate.

And yet another pointless update.

The Death of Souls At the Hand of Los Angeles…completed

5-24-06, 3am-The LA night sky, it’s like a tease. You only see a few stars in the sky, you know there’s more, you know how glorious an untainted night sky can be. Maybe this night sky reflects how tainted LA has become. Just like all the street lights, neon lights, and all the other lights of the city that are always on, over power all but the brightest and nearest stars. It’s just like how all the evil, corruption, and struggles of day to day life over power and snuff out all but the strongest souls of the city.

The smaller more distant stars are not shown except to those who seek them out. They are forgotten, neglected, just as the many lost, weak, or struggling souls out on the street that are passed by, all eye contact avoided. No one wants to see what the more cruel side of life is like. No one is willing to take the time to notice these people except for a select few who also know their pain and suffering. So many beautiful stars wanting to be shown, wanting to shine for us; but we wont let them. So many souls wanting to be apart of something better than what was decided to give them. But no one complains. Too afraid to become one of the out-shined , outcasts, one of the over powered souls struggling every day to make it back to the life they lived before the bright lights and busy cold hearted life of LA conquered their souls. LA is a tease. It promises many things, then when the many believe the fairy tales the city sells, souls of promise and potential fall into the trap. Fall into the evil and corruption the city forgot to mention or give fair warning about. Just like the city lights overpower many of the beautiful stars in the night, the city consumes many pure and beautiful souls that just wanted something better. Now they’re just trying to make it back to the place they were before. Where they were beautiful, innocent, and untainted by the hazardous life of LA.

The LA night sky lies, just like the city it self. It only shows you what it want’s to show you, the biggest and the brightest. It ignores and casts off what it deems who or what are unfit or unworthy of the glory it has to offer. LA is a megalomaniac. It’s hubris blinds it’s self and those who simply accept the ideas and bullshit that they have been fed by the truly unworthy and ignorant minds; those whose minds were easily broken down and brainwashed by the false restrictions, ideas, and ways of life created by the elitists of LA society. When will the out shinned and outcasts realize the power they posses, when will they start a revolution that could change their way of life and create a new that would let the worthy and glorious ones have have their time in the light instead of being shunned to the darkness of alleys and street corners.

Or has this city already dug the graves for them, planned their paths to destruction and made certain that they will never escape? I believe that the faded souls will find a way out, for those that truly desire to shine will fight to the bitter end. It may take years of endless battles, but the war will be won by the just side, their stories will be pronounced to the masses. In the end the “losers” will rise and the “winners” shall fall into the graves they prepared for the blessed and worthy. The only question left is, when?

Today

I rememberd why I love my job.

I am getting better. Still pissed at him, but can’t hate him…which pisses me off.

Felt the the bout my body than I have in a LONG time, probably even better.

Love how pretty my truck sounds, n supper excited bout how great its gonna look when I’m done.

Thankfull that I have a couple of pretty faces with pretty words to tell me so I don’t think of stupid n painfull people. Oh so pretty distractions….

Thankfull for the ones who’ve shown me so much love and encouragement and honesty while going through all this.

Thankfull that I finally know that there IS something wrong with me, but theres something I can do about it, and I’m doing whatever it takes to get ME back, to be HAPPY.

Thankfull for my strength and determination, with out which I’d still be a ball of mush-in my bed- afraid of the world- and still want to just die….that was just so silly, but u gotta do what u gotta do when ur grieving.

Love the nivea goodbye cellulite products…seriously, they ACTUALLY work.  Plus, with the extra weight I’m losing, helps to tighten up the skin faster…GOODBYE WINGS!

Thankfull that the world is so big and full of new and different things to do.

But I still hate being at home. What do you do when your room, home, are constant reminders?  Just go in my room to sleep, watch tv, and a place to keep my stuff for right now I guess…this will pass, it has to. I’ll make it.

Mini Update

First off, I got the promotion I was hoping for, not that great of a raise but its better than nothing.

I still LOVE my job, its awesome.

I miss Zoe. I miss all my other friends that I have been horrible to and have neglected, but I miss my weenie alot.

Still havent quit smoking, but I think and I hope that I’m getting closer to at least WANTING to quit.

I’m now only 15lbs away from my weight goal(backstory: went through alot of crap, gained almost all the weight I lost back, losing it back again). But If I had Madona’s ass and arms, or atleast close to them, I think I would be happy with that.

Trying to make over, organize, declutter, and cool off my room. Just put up some shelves, so far so good.

I keep on thinking about Matt B. every now and then. Not in the way that I used to, but more like, “I bet we would’ve been WAY better as just friends.” I kinda miss his retarded ass.

Life still sucks being poor.

Dealing with more crap because of my ADD. Nothing big, just crap I wish I didn’t have to deal with-Like having to take medication everyday JUST to be NORMAL.

My armpits itch…

Sometimes I hate it when at certain moments(days), that mentally and emotionally- I’m older than everyone else at work(with a few exceptions)…I’m one of the YOUGNEST there. It’s tiring. But I do LOVE getting dirty EVERYDAY, very grattifying for some reason.

I want to find a creative outlet. I haven’t felt like writting much lately, I want to build stuff. Like furniture, or artwork, or crap that only I would like. I just don’t know where to start. And…I can’t my god damned tape messure!

I love my certain someone, but I can’t say it to him cause then he gets all weird and asks my why and crap. “Just shut up and accept the fact that I love you, YOU ASSHOLE!” is usually my response, but I’ve just given up on telling him that stuff. I just want him to be able to get to that point where he is as happy as he used to be and then some. He desirves even though he doesn’t think so, asshole.

ya, that’s all I got.